I am an average person.

I am 22 years old. I like spaghetti and orange juice. I love my cat and sometimes I feel like the world would be a better place without me. The problem is — I do not have a clear reason for that all in all.

I am young, I am beautiful and yes, for better or worse, I am smart.

I do not have a lot of friends since I moved to the United States, but back home I was an extra-extrovert with so many friends, I was so lucky, I can’t believe it.

Basically, I had to keep track of my schedule as every day was meant for a different person. With some people it was just for the sake of catching up, go out, eat, chat and have a good once a month talk. With others, it was all crazy ideas and projects, that we made live. Quality time spending while sharing, exploring, discussing, debating and having fun all in all. Each of my friends would differ from one another in so many ways. If somehow I tried to connect them and meet up with multiple at the same time, it was never a 100% success. Yes, they could co-exist but no, they were not on the same page, not even close. It is fascinating how me being simply me would get along with so many different people at the same time, and not as in just — yes, I like you but more of — yes, we are the same. Paradox.

I always wanted to be one of those girls who have their own squad of “one and the same” besties, walk around all together and feel complete all together. But for some reasons, I am a magnet to all the opposite character traits and behavioral patterns that only exist. Maybe this is exaggerated. But yeah, I guess just a little.

Does that mean that I, myself, include all those qualities too? If I feel so “same” with all these people who differ so much that they prefer not seeing each other when I offer it?

A says B is boring but one is here because I am there, and I am so not like A.

B says A is boring but one is here because I am there, and I am so not like B.

Am I bipolar? Really?

Universal?

Too open-minded or visa versa, too shut down so everyone sees whatever they want to see in me?

Like I would very much appreciate someone explaining me this beautiful concept of life, because I honestly do not understand the logic.

Yes, I am naturally a leader. Yes, I was always one. I was always able to find a connection with any person I’ve met, basically because I see something special in each. Different was always a good thing for me and I would find beauty in different as long as I saw basic principles of common to me behavior in any person. I was kind to all, regardless of words and situations. I believed in best of what they have and tried to support them, lead them in the right direction, if asked.

What I’ve noticed lately, is that I compromise myself. Lots of times. Most of the things I do, I do not do because I want to do them, but because it’s important for other people to do it that way. I am just trying to be a good friend/girlfriend/daughter. So maybe here is the answer.

What triggered such change? I was rejected by a person I painted in my head as an idol. That was my problem. He was a leader, game-changer and I painted him as a perfect partner and mentor to learn from, so that together we will rule the world. #Powercouple. Finally, a right fit for such a self-confident and beautiful me. I started playing a game and I fell for it. It was not a game anymore, those were feelings. I felt the need to prove myself because he made it clear, that he is the only one who makes the rules, and surely, breaks the rules. Suddenly, I was not a leader anymore. He was. I’ve lost most battles. I tried and tried and tried but I always lost and he was always the one who finished chapters, one by one. I felt worthless. With time passing by, I followed his lead more and more until I completely lost myself.

My relief at the time was spending time with people who seemed like they care about my opinion. My feelings. I distracted myself by trying to make their lives better as when I saw gratitude I felt needed and important again. Made me feel a lot better about myself. False pretense.

I remember the state that he created in me, and I followed through, like a puppet. I tried to break out. I managed twice. But he brought me back to my knees again. Once, I handled it with grace. I will never forget his face when I won my biggest battle. Irritation, humiliation, anger, so much anger he could practically set the room on fire. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed myself and I kept pushing until just another day, when his game turned out to be stronger than mine. The scene was absolutely simple, normal. But the feeling we both got from it was very hard to explain. It definitely broke me. But it was more of a drug, more of a gamble right there. Every day. And there is some sense of beauty to it as well.

I can’t say that I hate him right now. Too many tears over nothing. Too many things he did to me that I did not want nor deserved. Too many games. Second time was final. We stopped playing and with that came something beautiful both: to my life and his. I haven’t seen him for about a year now. Though I still remember his eyes, the cutest smile, his voice and laugh. Do I still have feelings for him? No. Would I change anything between us if there was a chance? Never. He broke me. I was hurt. But because of him I know that I can move on. Now, later, anytime I feel like it. I can. And it’s a fucking fantastic feeling. That’s why his eyes are still as bright, smile as cute, voice as pleasant, and laugh brings out my smile automatically. I am grateful. He broke me but now I finally feel like I am ready to reconstruct myself and take it in.

Why only now? Because if I read what I just wrote carefully, the love of my life did the same thing to me, just in a different manner. Less appealing. Actually, a lot worse. And again, I was all soft and kitty.

a) I saw the best in him right away and it got me feely and touch. Because the best of him is what I always wanted my man to be.

b) He was more gentle in his speaking, in his touching, in his everything that had to do with me than any men I’ve ever had a thing with. I felt like a precious possession.

c) I felt like aside the fact that he is very intelligent and every single conversation got me gasped, he is very honest and loyal to his beliefs.

So I painted last one, all in my head, again. It felt good till it did not. Until I got intimidated and felt like I have to fight for my place as an equal over and over again. It triggered me to hysterics, to tears, but now, different kind of tears. It was way worse but still, my own fault. Previous pain was turning into an entertaining game every day, running circles. This pain did not go away. This pain stayed and became worse and worse day by day.

If you ask me why I stayed, my answer is I do not know. I was so desperate into believing the picture I saw through the first two weeks, so desperate for it to be a reality that I kept referencing that time in my head, making up excuses, clearly understanding those are lies, but I still did it. I wanted to feel like a little, vulnerable birdy, finding shelter in his hands. Exactly how I felt in the beginning. And being so tired of playing the same gambling game for about two years, being so needy of care and sincere feelings, I wanted to believe that his arms will always be as warm and whatever is happening is temporary. I was desperate to believe in it that I saw best even when there was none anymore.

So here I am, not a soft kitty anymore. Poems I am writing aren’t appreciated, presents I make get zero attention, wishes I have — why bother. I am a bitch, always moaning, crying, bitching, annoying. I can’t say that I felt the same way as I did through the previous two years. To some extent it was better, because in the end I still received my dose of warm arms and felt like home, even for a short amount of time. But it was also worse, because at some point I realized that I no longer control my emotions. I got emotional over every single thing that one can possibly be emotional about. I lack balance, clear thoughts, positive approach and my natural energy. I bury myself down in endless thoughts and comparisons to the every single girl I knew exist. I was emotionally dependent. Safety, security, stability. He created an image and I bought it. And I did not want to let go.

Now it feels like I woke up. We bursted the bubble and I don’t feel like I’m not good enough. I don’t feel like I’m a problem. I don’t have any either. Life just feels simpler now.
It’s never easy to let go off the past and I was too naive to believe that this change is possible in couple of weeks. I didn’t want to believe otherwise, I didn’t want to see it. I’m more than 100% sure that I was always a rebound. Just right now it doesn’t feel like this happened because there is something wrong with me personally. Now it feels like it happened because you don’t really choose who you love, and you can’t control your feelings no matter how hard you try or how wrong it might be. We kind of want same things in life but somehow it was never easy. It was never fit as one whole puzzle while there, on the other side of his mind, it definitely did.
I can’t say that I regret anything. I don’t feel as vulnerable anymore because I no longer have that feeling of being a little birdy. I feel more like a long forgotten self now. And I hope that from now on this feeling will stay with me forever.
You can’t choose who you love. You can’t choose who you keep thinking about even though you clearly shouldn’t. You can’t control it and you can’t avoid it no matter how much you try. It’s important to remember that and be honest. With yourself, with someone you love and someone you know you might be hurting. Being honest with myself just helped me realize so many things. And I prefer to keep it up rather than hide from it just to tell everyone that everything is going great.

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

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